Cruise Control

As we here in the Northeast were greeted with the arrival of spring with anywhere from freezing temperatures to nearly 16 inches of snow, I, like I’m sure many of you, turned my thoughts to the warmer climes of post-tax season.

Ah, but where to spend that refund, if you’re fortunate enough to get one.

In my family, any and all federal and state proceeds have long since been earmarked for the summer vacation fund by my spouse and children. This year, we’ve entertained (or more accurately, I’ve been told) that the choices are between Napa Valley and a cruise.

Now, being of Italian descent and a long-time oenophile, I would not experience even minor ligament damage from twisting my arm to go to wine country. Although as a rule, I’m not a “tour” type of person, I’ll gladly be led through the vineyards of some of California’s most notable labels, as long as I receive a satisfying “experience” with the end product.

But a cruise? That’s another matter. That’s where I put my foot down, or in nautical terms, drop anchor.

Nine years ago, I embarked on my first shipboard experience, with an outfit that’s been in the papers a lot lately, the most recent being when an engine fire left 4,200 passengers stranded for five days in the Gulf of Mexico without water or sanitary facilities. Last I heard the ship will not be back in service until mid-June, which forced the company to cancel 10 scheduled cruises.

Apparently those who had already booked will receive full refunds and a 25 percent discount on a future trip. That sort of reminds me of that ship that tragically overturned off the Italian coast last year and offered 30 percent discounts to the passengers on future trips with the line. Now for all you practice management and business development specialists, there’s how to get customers for life.

But back to my ill-fated experience of 2004.

We set sail from Miami to Cozumel, Mexico, only to be greeted with the news that the ship would not be going back to port as scheduled because of a hurricane threatening to pounce on the Florida coast. So we had four extra days at sea and proceeded to run out of food and water at an alarming rate.

When we finally docked, the storm system ultimately went far out to sea missing Miami only to veer back and travel up the Eastern seaboard where it hit New York two days afterward. The ensuing rains (which later were reported at 5 inches per hour) submerged my car and turned my basement into the front cover of Field & Stream.

So as you can imagine, I have a rather negative image of being relegated to a lower state room with a tiny porthole and paying for the privilege.

A pleasure cruise?  An oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one.

So I’m polishing up my corkscrew just in case I actually win the vacation argument this year.