Proceed at Your Own Expense

With filing season and the next congressional fight – this one over the debt ceiling – just a few short weeks away, it’s usually this “tween” time of the year that I read about some of the more outrageous abuses on company expense reports.

The final week in December traditionally sees a flurry of companies attempting to reconcile before year end and thus some of the more, shall we say, “creative” entries usually come to light.

Figures from folks who analyze arcane metrics such as this estimate that the last-minute reconciliation of expense accounts costs companies roughly $2 billion a year. And admit it; we all have our own adventures in expense reporting.

Years ago, I was once summoned into my business manager’s office with two other editorial colleagues. A stern no-nonsense woman who likely would not smile if Rodney Dangerfield was her assistant, she demanded to know who one “Ted Smith” (not his real name) was.

We each identified him as the CEO of a Southern-based restaurant company. Without looking up from our filed reports she said with perfect aplomb, “Well then there must be triplets because each of you claimed to have dinner with him on the same night in different restaurants.”

So much for communication.

Another time in Chicago, a party of nine that included yours truly became enamored with the house special that night (a two-pound lobster tail over fettuccine, which later discovered was being offered for the “market price” of $105) and an impressive wine list, both of which contributed to a total tab of nearly $2,000.

Quick thinking as always, a senior sales manager offered to split the bill with me so it would not appear so blatantly extravagant. Two weeks later, the aforementioned business manager sends each of us a photocopy of the two receipts stapled together with a searing four-word question: “Was this REALLY necessary?”

But in all honesty, my past expense account vignettes appear amateurish compared with some of the egregious examples from high-profile people I’ve read about over the past several weeks.

To wit:

• $4,500 for a client dinner and drinks from a top city employee at a restaurant that actually turned out to be an, ahem, gentlemen’s club. Gee, I’m sure no one’s ever tried to get this one through before.

• $800 for haircuts (from a perfectly coiffed former VP candidate). This is one I clearly could never get away with.

• $10,000 on housecleaning services for a top British government official.  Sorry, we just bought a new Hoover upright.

• Nearly $200 for a sandwich and a soda. I would love to know where this person eats. I used to work on Park Avenue and the most expensive thing I remember in that neighborhood was a $5.50 cup of coffee.

Over the years, experience has painfully taught me to err on the side of caution with regard to expense accounts, because the last thing anyone wants is a phone call from an auditor asking if you have a minute.