Dressed For Success?

With temperatures spiking close to 90 last week, I felt it was time to assess my summer wardrobe and determine which articles of clothing should be kept and which others should be bagged and carted off to charity.

I have an overstock of T-shirts – due in no small part to the recent online fire sales at Lacoste and Polo but shorts however were a different matter. Now traditionally I do not wear anything that extends below the knee from June through Labor Day with the obvious exceptions of client visits or upscale social events like weddings.

But this year’s inventory was close to barren. One good pair of what could be termed “dress shorts” and 3 others of what many (including my family) consider a borderline fashion crime – cargo style.

So, with the retail outlets opening in New York under Phase 3, I ventured out to restock my armoire. I won’t mention the name of the national retail giant I hoped could help, but their corporate office is in Wisconsin, if that gives you a clue. 

As luck would have it, I found four pairs in my size and now all that remained was to try them on in the store’s cavernous rows of dressing rooms.

Except I couldn’t.

Three giant fuchsia cones were stationed at the entrance accompanied by an over-sized block-letter sign that Mr. Magoo couldn’t overlook: “DRESSING ROOMS CLOSED.”

So, I defaulted to my usual customer service strategy – I went looking for a manager.

She was polite and patient but explained they were restricted by the state and therefore the rooms had to remain shuttered.

For those keeping score at home, the conversation went something like this:

“But I need to try them on to see if they fit. What happens if I buy them and later discover that the dreaded COVID-15 (lbs.) has me doing an impression of John Candy with Brad Pitt’s shorts.”

“Well you could always bring them back and return them.”

“But the idea is to try them on, so I DON’T have to come back.”

“I’m sorry but our hands are tied.”

Frustrated I left without a purchase, resigning myself wearing cargo shorts until the policy is lifted.

On the way home I ran into a neighbor of mine carrying a bag from a competitive retailer. When I recounted my dressing room plight, she said that the store she went to not only had the dressing rooms open, but in fact were running a sale on men’s shorts and had purchased several pairs for her sons.

There oughta be a law. Especially one size that fits all.

Sorry I could not resist.

The World is on Back Order

Several weeks ago, I detailed how several of the high-ticket appliances at Chez Carlino conspired to break down and subsequently drain whatever emergency reserve funds we had. First the washing machine refused to forward to the spin cycle. Then the dishwasher determined it would cease washing dishes and utensils.

And finally, just in time for summer, the burner elements on our grill rusted out and broke apart like a picture window being smashed by a 2 X 4.

The first two I managed to replace without much difficulty, although the dishwasher like several million other pieces of merchandise across the country was on a three-week back order.

But that was a momentary lapse in time compared to the Seinfeld-like vignette of buying a grill. The bride who does more research prior to purchasing anything over $50 than most scientists developing a new vaccine, spent hours looking at various models and even fashioned an Excel file, which charted price and features comparisons. I personally went to Home Depot, Lowe’s and two local hardware stores to examine their respective inventories.

I had a certain price point in mind and none of the above either matched it or had anything close to what I was looking for in stock. “Check back in a couple of weeks,” I was told.

As an avid griller, I was not going to wait until mid-July to fire up burgers and steaks. It was bad enough my gym had been shuttered since mid-March and my town pool is still debating whether to open for the summer. There are certain things I simply will not wait for.

But it gets better.

What’s That Saying About Necessity?

Years ago, when I was heading one of the profession’s top B-to-B accounting publications I asked a veteran managing partner if he ever would allow any of his staff to work from home. This was back in the day when “remote worker” was a term about four area codes from the mainstream.

He looked at me in the manner of someone who was just asked for a loan by a deadbeat relative. “Oh sure, I’m sure they’ll be working diligently in between The Price is Right and The Young and the Restless.”

I gathered at the time he was not a fan of the concept.

For some reason I thought about that interaction last week when the folks at Verizon finally arrived to upgrade my Internet – an order I placed nearly three months ago. And no, that’s not a typo – three months.

The technician explained that the backlog of upgrade orders since COVID-19 was so overwhelming, that some subscribers would not be serviced until September. He revealed that the day before, he installed a new router and wiring in a house that had SIX family members working on a dining room table. I shuddered to think of what mealtimes looked like at that address.