However Remotely

You know which two phrases I never want to read or hear about for at least five years?

“Social Distancing” and “Working Remotely.”

Not to make light of a more than serious situation, I’m just about social distanced and remote worker-ed out.

Over the past week, I have received no less than 30 emails that explained in painstaking detail the methods and time-tested strategies for working at home during the Coronavirus outbreak. One was even generous enough to offer their remote worker techniques via a 30 percent discount. It instructed me to use the price slashing code, “Corona.”

Seriously.

Sorry, but where the (expletive deleted) were you eight years ago when I began my solo journey from traditional bricks and mortar to virtual? Why did it take a pandemic for ideas on running an efficient home office to emerge?

How about the fact that pre-COVID-19, Gartner Research projected that some 80 million people will be working remotely as least one day a week by the end of 2020. I would have thought that staggering figure would have generated a column or two from the usual suspects or at least the peanut gallery.

And don’t get me started on social distancing – which is in my opinion is about as annoying a term as the absurd Gwyneth Paltrow depiction of her divorce– “conscious uncoupling.” It was my hope then that she would consciously uncouple from the public, but sadly for me and probably 90 percent of the global population, no such luck.

This week while waiting to enter my supermarket, (it maintains a quota – allowing only a certain number of people in at a time), two older gentlemen in front of me allowed me to jump the line. When I tried to thank them, one snapped, “you obviously don’t know the meaning of social distancing.” I almost lost it and told him that if he spoke to me like that again, he’ll quickly learn the meaning of “left hook.”

And then to make a miserable scenario even worse, I pulled up to my favorite spirits outlet to stock up on my quota of adult beverages and in the window a sign declared they were doing curbside service only. So, I had to log on to the website, call in my order, give them my credit information and wait for someone to load it into my trunk.

On the bright side, at least I won’t have to social distance from a glass of Cabernet.