Cruise Control

I’m happy to say that Rocco, my long-time accountant, had some good news for the bride and me this year regarding our taxes.

As luck would have it, we’re actually in refund mode.

He asked whether we would use some of this new-found largesse to help fund a long overdue vacation. I told him we hadn’t decided, lying only slightly as I knew my spouse had long-ago determined the fate of the proceeds.

Rocco enthusiastically recounted how he and his wife took a cruise to the Caribbean last year and extolled the virtues of lying on a chaise lounge sipping impossibly tall exotic drinks.

As strange as it seems, that’s where he lost me. 

I’ve been on exactly one cruise in my lifetime and I like to tell anyone who will listen that it was actually two boat rides – my first and my last.

It was scheduled to be a four-day Miami-based Carnival excursion the week before Labor Day with stops at Key West and Cozumel. However, a slight tropical disturbance named Hurricane Frances had other ideas. The storm kept us out to sea for four extra days with the ship running out of everything from water to food. It lent a new definition to the term cabin fever – if you remember Jack Nicholson in The Shining, you sort of get my drift. The only thing missing was an ax.

When we finally docked on Labor Day, we had to rebook all our return flights and in the end, the kids missed the first day of school. For good measure, Frances followed me up the coast the day following our return, and pounded our area with 6 inches of rain in just under 90 minutes – enough turn my commuter parking lot into Lake Michigan and leave my car in water up to the windshield.

At the time, I half-jokingly threatened to sue the cruise line for stress.

But recently, some 30-plus passengers on another ill-fated Carnival cruise are doing just that. In 2013, an engine fire on a Carnival ship returning from – yes – Cozumel -  left it  adrift for days – without air conditioning and working toilets, while guests were being forced to sleep under tarps on the deck and wait hours in line for food. Now some of those affected are asking the line for $5,000 a month for the rest of their lives as compensation for mental anguish and medical bills.

Carnival countered with providing a full refund, a free future cruise and $500 in expenses per person. Our experience was not that dire, but all we received was free Internet usage for hotel and flight re-booking.

A judge is supposed to rule on the motion in two months. By that time the Mrs.  will have ample time to decide how to part with Uncle Sam’s 2014 donation.

And just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.