It Happens Every Time

While many things in life remain uncertain, there are things that I can always count on – and not all of them good.

For example, shortly after I get my car washed and waxed I can expect that any moment the skies will darken and a deluge of biblical proportions will ensue. I often wondered if I could hire on to towns and cities that are in the midst of a drought – all I need to do is locate the nearest car wash and wait for an hour. Shortly thereafter, I would probably be handed the keys to the city – or at the very least be encouraged to run for mayor.

At movies and sporting events, I will undoubtedly end up sitting in front of a hyperactive child or an aspiring Fred Astaire, either of whom almost always feel compelled to try out their latest foot routine on the back of my chair. Or being seated in a restaurant adjacent to a noisy family who hastily begin an argument that leaves at least one sibling screaming at an unbearable decibel level?

The above are examples of what I fondly refer to as “paying for pain.” I could have stayed home without the aggravation and expense.

But what about when staying home is not an option? 

Like flying.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been on a flight and had their seat kicked from behind or fallen victim to the dolt in front of you with no geometrical clue about the sharp angles of his/her reclining seat. Tell me, have you ever carefully folded a suit jacket or sport coat and placed it on the overhead rack only to have some lummox toss up their carry-on luggage directly on top like a stevedore emptying a ship’s cargo hold?

How about the jerk behind you whose balance is suspect at best who uses your headrest to boost themselves up? Or upon landing, a fellow passenger with the manners of a Central Park mugger grabs their overhead bag and attempts to squeeze past everyone even before the doors open?

Sound familiar?

These egregious breaches of in-flight etiquette are doubly amplified on long flights, say the New York to Las Vegas route, which I estimate I’ve taken roughly 35 times for various events and have had at least one incident like the above-mentioned on at least 80 percent of those.

That’s when I read about incidents of in-flight passenger rage, they often don’t surprise me.

So now to pare down aggravation, I rent movies from my cable provider, go out to dinner only on special occasions and check the weather reports weeks in advance before venturing to the car wash.

Now if I could only convince my bosses to charter me a plane!