Dressed For Success?

With temperatures spiking close to 90 last week, I felt it was time to assess my summer wardrobe and determine which articles of clothing should be kept and which others should be bagged and carted off to charity.

I have an overstock of T-shirts – due in no small part to the recent online fire sales at Lacoste and Polo but shorts however were a different matter. Now traditionally I do not wear anything that extends below the knee from June through Labor Day with the obvious exceptions of client visits or upscale social events like weddings.

But this year’s inventory was close to barren. One good pair of what could be termed “dress shorts” and 3 others of what many (including my family) consider a borderline fashion crime – cargo style.

So, with the retail outlets opening in New York under Phase 3, I ventured out to restock my armoire. I won’t mention the name of the national retail giant I hoped could help, but their corporate office is in Wisconsin, if that gives you a clue. 

As luck would have it, I found four pairs in my size and now all that remained was to try them on in the store’s cavernous rows of dressing rooms.

Except I couldn’t.

Three giant fuchsia cones were stationed at the entrance accompanied by an over-sized block-letter sign that Mr. Magoo couldn’t overlook: “DRESSING ROOMS CLOSED.”

So, I defaulted to my usual customer service strategy – I went looking for a manager.

She was polite and patient but explained they were restricted by the state and therefore the rooms had to remain shuttered.

For those keeping score at home, the conversation went something like this:

“But I need to try them on to see if they fit. What happens if I buy them and later discover that the dreaded COVID-15 (lbs.) has me doing an impression of John Candy with Brad Pitt’s shorts.”

“Well you could always bring them back and return them.”

“But the idea is to try them on, so I DON’T have to come back.”

“I’m sorry but our hands are tied.”

Frustrated I left without a purchase, resigning myself wearing cargo shorts until the policy is lifted.

On the way home I ran into a neighbor of mine carrying a bag from a competitive retailer. When I recounted my dressing room plight, she said that the store she went to not only had the dressing rooms open, but in fact were running a sale on men’s shorts and had purchased several pairs for her sons.

There oughta be a law. Especially one size that fits all.

Sorry I could not resist.